New Haven, CT, Wednesday, May 16, 2012 – Cutler’s Record Shop and University Properties announced today that after 64 years in business, Cutler’s Record Shop will retire at the end of June.

Cutler’s, located at 27 Broadway in New Haven, was founded in 1948 by Nat Cutler and his wife, Lee, with the help of Sam Goody. The store originally opened at 41 Broadway in New Haven, CT. They outgrew that space quickly and, by 1953, moved the store to its best-known location of 33 Broadway. By 1954, Nat Cutler had two cutting-edge “listening booths” made, so customers could listen to records before they bought them. Generations of teenagers listened to 78, then 45, and finally 33 rpm records until compact discs replaced vinyl records entirely, only to be replaced in turn as music distribution technology evolved by mp3 files downloaded directly by the listener from the Internet. Following the deaths of Nat & Lee Cutler between 1958 & 1961, their son Jayson took over the responsibility of running the store. With visits from Tom Jones, Brenda Lee, Everly Brothers and Tony Bennett (just to name a few), life in the store remained very exciting. Phil Cutler joined the family business in 1971, at age 13 and never left. He and his dad worked side by side until Jayson retired close to 20 years ago. In 1999, as part of Yale’s revitalization of the Broadway area, Cutler’s moved two doors down to 27 Broadway, where they have been ever since. Phil Cutler and his family have always had a love for New Haven. “Although this could be viewed as a sad day, the Cutler’s family is looking at it as a celebration of 64 years of fulfilling the music needs of the Yale community and Ct. I would like to think Cutler’s was as valuable to New Haven, as New Haven was to Cutler’s.” said Phil. “Some “thank you’s” are in order. I first want to first thank the greatest employees we could have ever asked for. Bob, Mindy and Kyle have been with us for what seems like eternity, and we wouldn’t have been here for this long without them. I also want to send a special thank you to Bruce Alexander, Abbi Rider, Jack Rush, and the rest of Yale University Properties, for being terrific landlords and bending over backwards for us. As our going away gift we are selling our vast inventory of compact discs, vinyl, headphones, and everything else in our inventory for 25% off, including the hard-to-find out of print items. So please come down, help us celebrate, and pick up a piece of history.”

“This is the end of an era,” said Abigail Rider, Director of University Properties. “We would like to thank Phil Cutler and his family for 64 wonderful years bringing a wonderful selection of music to New Haven shoppers. The Cutlers have been the epitome of a fine family-owned business and we’re proud to have had them as tenants.”

Cutler’s Retirement Celebration and Sale begins May 18.

Cutler’s Record Shop is located at 27 Broadway New Haven, CT 06511 (203)777-6271 • email: info@cutlers.com

I am deviating from the usual format to bring you this “special edition”. On my way to dropping my daughter off at work, we noticed an injured, possibly dead raptor on the side of the road. having grown up in North Guilford, and having been exposed to a lot of these magnificent birds, they have become one of my favorite creatures on this earth. Whether it is an osprey or red tailed hawk, it is truly a joy to watch them. Kinda falls into the little things in life category. Obviously, seeing one of them on the side of the highway is distressing. So, having dropped my daughter off, I doubled back. I pulled over ahead of the injured raptor, and went to investigate. I approached the bird, and it was in a sitting position which was a good sign that it was still alive. Now the important thing here is to remember, that any wild animal or bird, when injured can be extremely aggressive. Additionally touching or moving them can exacerbate their injuries. Leave that to the professionals. So, I got as close as I could, and observed. As traffic went by, especially the tractor trailors, the bird was blown over slightly. I then notice the bird move to get back into position, and so I knew that it was alive. I also was able to identify it as a red tailed hawk, possibly male, because it was on the small side.

 Fortunately for me, I knew exactly who to call. A Place Called Hope in Killingworth. I first met them at The Bee and Thistle Inn, where my good friends Linnea and Dave Rufo were hosting a fundraiser for them. I instantly became a fan of their cause, and released this article back in 2010. I spoke to Christine on the phone, and after hanging up with me, she called the animal control officer in Clinton to pick the bird up, and then called me back. It was at this time that she confirmed (as best she could based on my description) it was probably a male, and that two days ago, they rescued a female in the area, and that it was highly likely that this was her mate. Very sad news, but hopefully, we found him in time.

A Place called Hope is one of my favorite causes. Obviously, their first priority is to rescue and save these amazing creatures first and foremost. Like this morning, where they had to chase an owl with a trap on it’s leg through the marshes, and yes, they were able to finally catch it and remove the trap. But their top priority after rehabilitating the bird is to release it back to the wild, which they do on a regular basis. When they can’t, they have permission from Fish & Wildlife to train and care for these raptors, and use them for educational purposes. They are regulars at Meigs Point at Hammonassett State Park, they go go whatever fairs that they can, and even to area schools to raise awareness about all raptor, Again, here’s a link to A Place Called Hope’s website, and check out all the great things that they do. If possible, please, please make a donation. This is a non profit organization, and a labor of love….

Connecticut is one of the most diverse states in the country. We have four distinct seasons. Urban and rural communities. Cities that offer a mix of both modern and historical settings. Towns that are steeped in history or are havens for the arts. My goal is to provide you with an events calendar to match. It does not matter if you want that family friendly event. or if you want to dance away to some of the best bands in the state. Maybe you want to spend the day at an Arts and Crafts Fair. Maybe a Revolutionary or Civil War re-enactment is your cup of tea. I plan on having every one you can send me.

Right off the bat, Memorial Day weekend, I will have all the Farmers Markets, Fairs, Fireworks, weekly cruise events ( both motorcycle and custom cruisers) and as much music as I can find. But I need your help. Send me your info to edwinbartlett@hotmail.com  Press releases, images, and Youtube videos are not only encouraged, but highly recommended. The one thing I cannot work with is PDF’s. I will list the event as far as date and location, as time permits, but that’s about it.

I am specifically looking for Arts and Crafts festivals”Concerts/Theater on the Green”, local civic carnivals (the ones that don’t make the Ct fair websites) and especially any historic/cultural event. Time permitting (but working on that) I will run as much as I possibly can.

If your company is interested in advertising on the website, I am now offering some very unique marketing concepts, in addition to banner ads, that are priced so that ANY business can afford it. And I do mean ANY.

It’s real easy to find the calendar. You can click on the State logo in the upper left corner of the landing page, on the “Events” in the nav bar, or simply follow this link. Currently I have over 600 events, both “one offs” and recurring on the schedule. But, like I said, we are programming away. I read that this program is supposed to allow me to have an “UNLIMITED” amout of listings. Let’s see how true that is…

The event facility is another piece of reclaiming history. All events are held in either the field or in the Munger Barn. The Munger Barn was originally built on the Munger Farm in Madison in 1890 ( for the record, East Guilford until they incorporate. Still say Guilford should have kept the beaches) until Munger Lumber ceased operations, and it was donated to the Dudley farm in the 1990′s. It was stored there until, true to form, a barn raising could be held. For information on holding your event, here’s the link to the events section on the Duley Farm Website

Now the market itself. As with all Farmers Markets, depending on what what time of year it is, you will be able to find the freshest produce including tomatoes, corn and cucumbers from local farms such as Pond’s Family Farms and Summerton Farms in Guilford, Naples Farm in Durham, real Connecticut made Maple Syrup ( North Guilford made at Buster Scranton’s Maple Grove farm) , and many fine arts and crafts. Here’s the complete list of regular vendors at Dudley Farm Farmer’s Market. This years summer market starts on June 2nd and goes til October 27th

Photography by Barbara Hansen, Janet Dudley, and Judy Stone

The free event offers visitors the chance to interact closely with members of the Fifth Connecticut Regiment in full Colonial costume, with entertaining demonstrations of marching and musket firing, 18th-century open-fire cookery, and captivating harp and dulcimer music. Shortly after the regiment partakes of its midday meal, children in attendance will be invited to learn to march and perform drills with wooden “muskets.” The British are expected to attack at approximately 1 p.m.

A fascinating display and discussion of the medical and surgical techniques used in the late 1700s, and an exhibit of period clothing and fashions, will also be featured.

While at the encampment, be sure to tour the Webb House and see the completely renovated George Washington bedroom, where America’s most famous general and first president stayed in 1781. While at the Webb House, Washington and French Lieutenant General Jean- Baptiste Donatien de Vimeur Comte de Rochambeau planned the joint military campaign that led to the victory at Yorktown, Virginia, and the end of the American Revolutionary War.

For more information, please contact Charles Lyle at (860) 529-0612 ext. 14.

About the Webb-Deane-Stevens Museum

Located in the heart of Connecticut’s largest historic district, the museum, which consists of three authentically restored 18th-century homes, brings Wethersfield’s rich history to life, from the American Revolution to the early 20th century. The museum includes the 1752 Joseph Webb House, which served as George Washington’s Revolutionary War headquarters in May 1781, when he met with French General le comte de Rochambeau; the 1766 Silas Deane House, built for America’s first diplomat to France; and the 1788 Isaac Stevens House, which depicts life in the 18th and 19th centuries through original family objects and includes a new children’s museum.

The Webb-Deane-Stevens Museum, located at 211 Main St., Wethersfield, is open April 1-30 on Saturdays and Sundays from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. From May through October, the museum is open daily – with the exception of Tuesday – from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. and Sundays 1 to 4 p.m. Three-house tours cost $10 for adults, $9 for seniors, students, AAA members and active military, and $5 for students and children ages 5 to 18. For information about current exhibits, upcoming events or Museum School classes, call (860) 529-0612, ext. 12, or visit www.webb-deane-stevens.org.

Let’s start off with one of my favorite type of events. Period. Combine great local music, a huge dance floor, and a great cause, and you get an evebt like Local Band Review’s Epic Fund Raiser II to benefit the American Diabetes Association. Millions of Americans suffer from diabetes of all types. The ADA is committed to helping with prevention, treatment and finding the cure. As many of you know, LBR is one of my favorite websites, and I am elated that they are the first winner of the “Webster” for best Music Blog. Great job Mike Lawson, Local Band Review, and LSG (Lisa Sanchez Gonzalez) who is constantly all over the local scene. The event will be held at Illusion’s Dance Club in Wolcott. Outhouse Sound will be providing the awesome sound system, and you get a chance to see some of the best in local music including The Fretz Nots, Sue Menhart, my boyz, Crosseyed Cat, and 5 other bands. Donation is $10 at the door, and goes down on Sunday.

 Next up, Saturday is also National Comic Book Day. As a kid, I loved comic books. I was into ‘The Haunted Tank” and “Sgt Rock” mostly. “Batman” was always cooler than “Superman”, and the “Green Lantern” totally rocked. For the record, all DC Comics, was not a fan of the Marvel comics, until they made them into movies. With the exception of the latest “Dark Knight” movies, let’s face facts, Marvel Comics make much better movies than DC. Anyways, out in New London, one of Ct’s biggest and best ‘Sarge’s Comic’s is celebrating, and they will be giving away select comics for free. All very cool, but it does get better.  The “security” will be provided by the 501st Connecticut Legion. Seriously, who better to provide crowd control the a squad of Imperial Storm Troopers?  I have actually been in downtown New London for this event, and no promises here, but I did see Lord Vader, Luke, Boba Fett, and many others make appearances as well….

Now comes the four legged entertainment. It’s Derby Day. An American tradition for 138 years. A day of Southern tradition, hats, horses, and my favorite. Bourbon. Normally this celebration was pretty much centered in Kentucky, but it is catching on in Connecticut. The pageantry, the Hats, and the tradition. Eli’s on the Hill will be hosting, and all 22 flat screens will be tuned in. Catch all their Derby inspired specials, and I am so glad that one of my favorite sippin whiskey, Woodford Reserve, is now the “Official Bourbon” of the Derby.

In Guilford, Bishop’s Orchards Farm Market is holding their 4th Annual Donkey and Mule Show. Competions, races, free hayrides, pretty much another awesome event put on by the Bishop’s. This is so on the top of Family Fun Day events. Home run.

This weekend also sees the start of the Farmers Market Season. I will have the complete schedule up shortly of EVERY Farmers Market in the state, but, just a few opening up now. Madison FM on Friday starting at 3PM, and City Seed has two of their’s going in New Haven, with the Wooster Square Market happening on Saturday at Russo Park, and the Edgewood Park Market from 9-1 and Edgewood Park Market happening from 10AM to 1PM. Check out City Seeds website for vendor information.

Finally, the music scene. It is a party weekend, since it’s Cinco de Mayo. Pretty much everyone will be rocking, so here’s the rundown.

Friday: 2CatZoo at the Dogwatch in Stonington, Brother Earl hits the Blue Moon Cafe in Plantsville, Crash21 at Lanza’s in Ansonia, Crosseyed Cat at City Limits in Waterbury, Soul Funk at the Greenline. Drive Time Party Band at The Free Spirit in Vernon, Sister Funk at Illusions in Wolcott, DizzyFish at Jake’s in Wallingford, Kathy Thompson Band at Slainte’s in Naugatuck, and 4 Barrel Billy at La Vita Gustosa in East Haddam..

Saturday: Lauren V’s Birthday party at the Country Tavern in Guilford with Samurai Cab Company, Carrie Ashton is at Casa Fajita in North Haven (BTW been hearing nothing but stuff in Carrie) ,The Local Suspects are at Hot Tamale’s in Seymour, Red Line is at the Super Blue Moon in Plantsville, Pulse rocks the Stadium in Waterbury, Bliss is packing them in at O’Toole’s in New Haven,and  Rock Bottom is setting the Driftwood in Clinton on fire.

And finally, in New Haven, the East Coast Craft fair is happening at Trolley Square Mini Mall in New Haven. This is truly a Crafts Fair by crafters from throughout New York and New England. This not a bunch of vendors selling things that they have bought, but by the artisans themselves. A crafts fair where you can go to buy direct from the artisans who create. Truly an example of loving your local.

For more events check out the Events Calendar

Remeber, it is a party weekend, so no matter what you do or where you are going, be safe, be smart. Designate a driver.

Over the past month I have had the opportunity to talk to new owner Jared Schulefand, and so far, I have been nothing less than impressed. Typically, when you buy an established business, you do not change the name. But in this case, the philosophy that Jared brings, and the entrée’s he has created absolutely screams for a re-branding.  When I was there the first time, one of his good friends was there, and throughout our initial conversation, all he could say was”You gotta try the pork”. Jared countered, with great pride that the seared tuna was pretty amazing as well. FYI, what makes the pork special is that they make the glaze out of a spiced bourbon and maple reduction. Not maple syrup, not maple flavoring from a bottle, but actual maple sap that is reduced with the spiced bourbon. Now, for those who know me, I used to make maple syrup, and trust me, this is a very long and tedious process. That a restaurant would go through this to make a glaze is pretty amazing.

When I was there yesterday, Jared got a call from a person with food allergies. The person was on a gluten free diet, and Jared was the 3^rd restaurant that she had called, and when she asked the previous 2 if they had a ‘Gluten Free” option, both responded, “Yes, we have sugar free desserts”  Now this is such the wrong response on so many levels, but most importantly, you make a mistake on this, you could potentially kill your patron. Jared understands this better than most. This next section tells exactly how well he understands allergies, and what he does to satisfy his patrons needs.

“I went to Foe, An American Bistro in Branford, CT this afternoon for lunch with my daughters. The new owner, Jared Schulefand, could not be nicer. He went above and beyond to accommodate my daughter’s needs as a child with life-threatening food allergies. It was the first time, EVER, that she has been able to eat french fries at a restaurant. He had the french fries fried separately in “safe…” oil. He used their fresh baked bread as the bun for her burger because their usual buns contained ingredients she couldn’t have. He even opened a new jar of ketchup to avoid cross-contamination. All of these accommodations were suggested by him, and really helped to make my daughter feel safe eating there. I could not be more satisfied with a restaurant experience, and, best of all, my daughter was able to enjoy a safe and delicious meal out! We’ll be back!!! Thanks Jared!” -Gina

Those are just some of the reasons  for the name change, which is an absolute secret, and it’s not going to be “F*e No Mo” as one patron recommended. They will be open until Mother’s Day, and  after that, they will be closing for some renovations. Here is a pic of the before, and as soon as I can, I will post the pictures of the after, and maybe, just maybe, the new name. Oh, and next time you stop in, write down your guess at the name, with your name and email address, and if you get, your next dinner for two is on Jared. Jared is not kidding, new menu, new look, new philosophy.

Sure, things like dentist appointments, graduations and anniversary dinners are important. But with so many great bands venturing to Connecticut in the coming months, it is vital to have your priorities in order and for that schedule to be completely clear.

Toads Place will be the gracious host to a nice variety of contemporary traveling musical ensembles. Christina Perri is a rising talent, who will be performing on Tuesday, May 8th. She seems like the the former front of a  LA metal band, who left to pursue a career of  stirring piano ballads. Jar of Hearts, Arms, and A Thousand Years have all been saturating the airwaves for the past year. Big D and the Kids Table are known for their rousing live shows, that have transformed top hat wearing businessmen into emperors of the circle pit. Sweat it out with them on Thursday, May 10^th. The ska continues on June 19^th, when genre veterans Reel Big Fish and Goldfinger team up for a night of pure, unadulterated energy.

If low key lounging is more your style, than spend May 7th with M Ward at Toads. He has his guitar tuners dipped in almost every highly acclaimed artistic project in the indie game. You might even say he is the Rebecca Lobo of the indie game. Or is Rebecca Lobo the M Ward of the WNBA? His new album is smoother than the soles of new suede shoes, and has been considered outstanding by many noted publications. On July 26^th, Ingrid Michaelson will be hitting up New Haven to treat audiences to her dynamic sound, that ranges from naked to ground shaking. Her music has been all over TV, mostly in dramatic montages, because of Michaelson’s ability to directly impact the heart with her heat-seeking word missiles.

The Space has been a destination for the independent music scene, and has some very promising acts on the horizon. May 7^th will be the glorious return/resurrection of Old Man Gloom. In the land of avant-garde sludge metal, Old Man Gloom takes home the trophy, as well as the bleachers, nets, and the pants of the spectators. Members of Isis, Converge, Cave In, and Zozobra will unite under the Hamden stars to produce a consuming blend of hardcore punk, brackish bluesy metal and noisy psychedelia. Thus far, 2012 has seen a strong revival in classic hardcore music, that incurs a a primal back to basics form. Both Ceremony and Screaming Females have been at the forefront in this resurgence of ruthless fury and serrated guitar riffage. See them both, on June 13th, also at The Space.

Florence and the Machine use three things to their absolute advantage: Tribal drumming, crescendos and that grandiose battle cry of the angels that Florence Welch calls a voice. See them on May 11^th at The Mohegan Sun, when they perform choice jams from Lungs and the most recent effort Ceremonials. Weezer will be at Mohegan on May 31^st, to celebrate their evolution from nerd rock to alternative pop. You’ll also kind of be supporting local music, as singer Rivers Cuomo is a graduate of E.O. Smith High School in Mansfield, CT. Jimmy Buffet and the Coral Reefer Band will be kicking off summer on June 26^th. He’s not surf rock as much as he’s hang out on the beach and get buzzed rock.

The Fourth of July is all about almighty rock ballads, explosions, journeys to hell and broken acoustic guitar strings. At least according to Tenacious D. Rejoice on Fourth of July Eve (July 3^rd) with comedians/actors/musicians Jack Black and Kyle Gass. ‘The D’ attack your neck with the vigor of golden age metal, while maintaining serious pressure on the funny bone. They are the self proclaimed best band in the world, so do not pass up the chance to witness their glory. Stevie Nicks will be haunting Mohegan’s arena with her croon on July 12^th. I’m looking at the promo picture for this show, and she is posing with an owl, which only confirms the fact that she is still awesome. It’s too bad she isn’t playing with Florence and the Machine. It would be like some mystically legendary one night only super group called Florence and the Fleetwood & the Machine.

The Comcast Theatre’s usual lineup of epic outdoor concerts is starting to unfold. The Dave Mathews Band makes their annual return to New England on May 25^th and 26^th. Dave Mathew’s has been the king of outdoor concerts since Bill Clinton took the oath of office, with the never-ending fan base to prove it.  On June 11^th, Drake will be taking over the ol’ Meadows along with J. Cole and Waka Flocka Flame. Drake’s perfunctory delivery and his keen ear for lights down low R&B has made him a household name in households who appreciate current hip hop.

The Palace Theater is not outside, which is a bummer, but that also means its events are immune to sudden downpours. Cake will be playing there May 9^th, regardless of weather.  They’re the only band to successfully incorporate brass instruments with the rhythmic elements of hip hop and country. The most recent single, Sick of You, is like something you’d hear on the jukebox of a dusty Mexican cantina during a bar brawl. Elevating the temper of an ex-card hustler, while he defends the honor of his wife from a marauding desert motorcycle gang.

If you want to see Cake for free, win tickets by going here.

http://tinyurl.com/bppgcnm

A pyramid by any other name. . .

. . . is still a pyramid, even if it’s upside down. A rose smells like a rose, not a tulip. A pyramid is shaped like a pyramid, not a circle.

So why is this woman who wants $5,000.00 of my hard-earned savings trying to convince me that what she’s presenting is not a pyramid scheme?

“See?” she says. “It’s not a pyramid because everything goes down, not up.”

To a point. From large to small. Just like a pyramid. Only upside down.

“You have to come to the meeting to really see,” she says.

Of course I do.

So, for the sake of curiosity, I go to what is called a Women’s Empowerment Group Meeting. This is all hush-hush Top Secret with a capital T and a capital S. It’s like Girly Fight Club. The one rule of Girly Fight Club: You don’t talk about Girly Fight Club.

Well, I’m going to talk about Girly Fight Club. I’m going to talk about it if only to never be invited to Girly Fight Club again. These women’s groups are popping up all around me like an infestation of bedbugs. Everyone who tries to rope me into one of these groups is a friend and an all-around good person. I have no doubts about that. However, I can’t help but get a funny feeling when someone says she can turn my 5,000 clams into 40,000 clams without my having to do anything but basically wait around for the big payout. Well, that is until I hear I need to recruit more members to the group. There it is, folks. There’s the catch.

My friend Liz is invited to the same meeting I’m invited to, so we decide to go together. However, even before we get there we can’t help but feel skeptical. I’ll own up to the fact that I’m dubious of this whole thing before I attend a single meeting. If this was school, I would be described in class as having a “poor attitude.” So yes, I’m not a good candidate for this from the start.

I say to Liz, “It sounds like it’s too good to be true, which makes me think it must be. I’ll go and listen, though.”

“I feel the same way. Let’s just go and hear everyone out,” Liz replies.

Liz has a bottle of champagne that she’s bringing to the meeting out of courtesy. She’s very polite. Me? I’m showing up with only my cynicism and empty stomach.

“Who has $5,000.00 to give away?” Liz asks me.

“I sure don’t.”

There’s a pause.

“Oh hell, let’s pop this champagne,” she says.

Pop.

We’re not told where the meeting is to be held. We’re instructed to come to the house of the woman who invited us and we will then follow her to the location. So, we follow, only knowing that the meeting is in a neighboring town. Somewhere.

We’re also told not to park in the driveway of the house. That way the police who “unfairly” crack down on this type of thing won’t know which house is “hosting” the “party.” As we pull up to the curb, I feel less guilty and nervous about imbibing champagne before I’ve arrived than I do about going to this house. There has to besomething illegal about all of this if they won’t let anyone park in the driveway. Like really, actually illegal.

Two women with toothy smiles greet us at the door. “Hiiiiiiiii! You’re new!” they say.

Um. Yeah. And a little sauced on champagne, thank you.

“Come in! Come in!” The women introduce themselves and I really so seriously want to give a fake name like I’d give to a drunk man at a bar who tells me he likes my eyes when really he’s staring at my chest and has been doing so all night long.

Speaking of drinking, Liz and I are handed drinks immediately. Champagne. We’re told that we’re celebrating. Tonight is a special night! It’s a Gifting Ceremony night! I don’t know what a Gifting Ceremony entails, but I’m hoping it’s brief because I already want to leave. There are women chattering all over the place happily, and while that sounds very positive and nice, I still have an odd sensation in my stomach. I want someone to explain exactly how this all works, but when I ask the women who have greeted us at the door, I’m only told that we’ll find out more details when we join a table and receive our packet of information.

Okay, what?

I have to join and then I’ll find out what I’ve joined and how it works? That’s like picking Curtain Number Two and hoping it’s a new car back there and not a broom.

Liz and I are then given a tour of the house, which is quite impressive to say the least. I guess we’re supposed to conclude that we, too, could have digs like this if we join a pyramid – oops, I mean a table. Then we’re brought to a real table that’s straining with the weight of food. Everyone is required to bring a dish to share. The women explain this with more big smiles and then tell us how glad they are that we’ve come.

“You’re going to love this!” they say.

This? This what? I still haven’t been told much about what this is.

We meet more women who tell us how glad they are that we came. “Welcome to the sisterhood!” one says.

All right, where’s Kool-aid? I’m thinking. If anyone tells me to remove my shoes, I’m so out of here.

We’re told we must meet the Queen Bee. I’m totally serious. It’s one of those life-is-more-screwy-than-fiction moments when I hear there’s a woman who’s actually referred to as the Queen Bee. Someone points her out and sure enough, the Queen Bee is surrounded by women. They’re buzzing around her, asking questions, complimenting her on her outfit. She’s got several tables going, we’re told. She’s the one who started this whole shebang in our area. I’m supposed to be awed and inspired, but the truth is, I don’t want to go anywhere near the Queen. I point to my empty glass and announce that I’m going for more champagne.

The women are delighted by this. “Oh yes! Have more!” they say. Are they trying to get me drunk like those guys at bars who stare at my chest? I really wish I could have given a fake name. Instead of champagne, I pour Sprite into my glass because it’s bubbly and can pass for booze. I suddenly don’t want to drink anymore, even though the women keep saying there are plenty of cocktails and I can have whatever I want and however much I want.

“Everyone onto the porch!” says the Queen Bee. “It’s time for the Gifting Ceremony!”

With a capital G and a capital C.

I’m then separated from Liz, which I know can’t be good. So, I make a joke about it. “Writer to the front!” I cry as I’m led away, just to watch people around me blanch. Writer! Yep, that’s what I just said.

“We have some guests here tonight,” the Queen Bee announces when we’ve all settled into our seats. “Welcome ladies!”

Several people turn to me to say welcome, which is nice, but a little creepy. Welcome to what? Welcome to maybe giving up 5,000 greenbacks? Okay, yeah, you better be smiling at me for that!

The Queen Bee briefly explains how the tables work and states that being on a table is your key to financial independence. “And it does work!” she exclaims. “What you’re witnessing here tonight is proof that it works!”

The setup is called a “table.” It’s not a pyramid. Because it’s upside down. Okay. Whatever. You’re at a table because you’ve given $5,000.00. The table has levels, which are each described as part of a meal. You start off at the appetizer level with seven other people who have given $5,000.00. As more people arrive at your table, you’re bumped up to the salad course of the “meal” and so on until you arrive at the “dessert” course. It’s when you’ve reached the dessert course that you receive your payout. In order for someone to progress to the next level, the table splits off into two tables and eight people have to be recruited to the appetizer section of each table and each appetizer-level person gives $5,000.00. Then the table splits again. More and more people have to be recruited in order for anyone to move up.

I was never a “mathlete” in school, but already I can see how this can’t sustain itself forever. It’s mathematically impossible unless you can get a perpetual amount of suckers to join your pyramid scheme. I mean, diners to join your table.

It might work for a while, but what if you run out of people to recruit before you get to dessert? It’s funny how no one seems to want to talk to me about that. They say it can take a while to get to dessert, but you just have to be patient. Have faith and be patient.

Give up food and paying your rent and be patient? I guess so.

“It is a risk. There are no guarantees, but are there any guarantees with anything?” says a woman next to me.

It’s a risk. Which means sometimes it doesn’t work. Which means sometimes you lose your five thou. Forget about getting forty.

It’s time for the Gifting Ceremony. One of the members at one of the tables has reached the dessert level. The woman who is receiving her “gift” stands up and claps her hands. She seems very excited. Hell, I’d be excited, too, if someone was dropping 40,000 smakaroos into my lap.

The Queen Bee hands her the gift that contains the cash. The gift is wrapped in fancy trappings that would put Martha Stewart to shame. And it is cash, ladies and gentleman, not a check. The Queen Bee informs us that all transactions are done in cash, not checks, so those greedy government folks can’t get their grubby paws on any of it.

I agree that greedy government folks get too much of my money, and I never even have a lot to give. But still. Something about this seems all wrong. It’s like the mob saying hey, I’ll deal with you but I’ll only deal in cash. Where are Tony Soprano and Paulie Walnuts? Oh yeah, they’re men. No bucks allowed here except the green ones.

The woman accepts her gift and gives a speech. I have the urge to say to her, Lady, it’s not a Woman of the Year Award. It’s a wad of illegally obtained cash. You better just take it and run!

She doesn’t run. Instead she gives a speech thanking her “sisters” for their love and caring and support. And money? She doesn’t thank them for the money. Maybe that would seem too crass.

She then tells us all that she’ll be giving some of the funds to a shelter for battered women. The Queen Bee interrupts like Kanye West to clarify that whenever someone receives a “gift,” some of the money received always goes to charity.

Okay, that’s the one good thing I can find about all of this. Giving to charity is great. I think I’d rather give on my own, though. I’d rather give my own money on my own like I’ve done for years.

Everyone claps, and the woman with the prettily wrapped gift tears up as she talks about her “sisters.” What is all this about sisters? I never joined a sorority in college even though I was approached to do so. I had nothing against sororities, it just seemed odd to me that I should hang out with a certain group of people. I was the kind of person who wanted to hang out with everyone. Like a sorority, here you pay dues (big dues!) and also pay homage to your non-blood-related sisters.

I see other women tearing up in response to the speech-givers tears. Are they crying because they’re touched by the speech or because they’ve just watched $40,000.00 go to someone else and they’re still marking time at the appetizer section of their tables? I know what my answer would be!

“Let the guests see the money!” Queen Bee instructs.

Someone takes the money out of the elaborate gifting box and passes it to a woman near me. This is done so the guests know that the money is real. It’s not Monopoly money, it’s not two twenties surrounding a lot of blank pieces of paper. It’s a big wad of big cash. Hoo-ahhhhhh! as Al Pacino in Scent of a Woman would say.

I feel kind of dirty—and not in a good way—holding it. I smile and hand it off gingerly.

“See, it’s real!” a woman to my left says. “Did you hold it? Did you feel it? It’s real!”

Yeah, I held it. Didn’t you see it in my hands? Should I have licked it, too, just to be sure?

I smile and say, “Yep. Real.”

“Didn’t it feel great?” another woman asks me.

There’s that feeling again that I was just holding something sordid. “Yep. Great,” I reply.

It’s all good in the sisterhood!

A new gifting table is announced. A woman wearing a flowered-print vest the likes of which I haven’t seen since the mid-nineties walks out to the center of the deck and says, “I am so happy to announce the start of my own table!”

She pauses to wait for the oohs and ahhs. There actually are oohs and ahhs over this.

Then she says, “I was on the table called the Freedom Train and in honor of that I’m going to name my table the Choo-Choo Train!”

She says choo-choo like she’s cooing at a baby. I think I’m going to be sick into my glass of Sprite. The women ooh and ahh again. I wonder if she’s going to use her Choo-Choo Train winnings on a new wardrobe. Yes, that’s bitchy, but there’s so much estrogen flying around I can’t help myself. I’m mid-cycle, but I still feel like I’m going to get my period any second from now. Owwwrrrfff, was that just a cramp?

Liz suddenly appears at my side. “I was wondering where you went,” she whispers.

“I was taken away!” I hiss back.

“Listen, I need to go. I need to pick up my daughter at her grandmother’s.”

“Okay, let’s make a break for it!”

We stand up. Everyone stares.

“Gotta pick up the kid!” Liz says.

“She’s my ride!” I say cocking a thumb at Liz.

Everyone begins to babble about how sorry they are that we have to go and that we need to come back. Soon. Right? We’re coming back soon? Are we coming back soon?

We wave goodbye and make our way through the house to the front door and out.

At this point, I don’t know how Liz is feeling. But I do know that I want to be totally away from the house before I ask.

We get to Liz’s car and she says without my prompting, “That was pretty messed up.”

“Oh God, yes!” I reply.

Liz, who is a math teacher, immediately sees the mathematical flaw in the whole thing. “It can’t sustain itself,” she says. “People get screwed out of their money eventually. That’s reason enough for me not to want to join. Even if I get my money, I don’t want to be a part of any other woman losing hers.”

I’m so glad she says this. I could not have worded it better myself.

We laugh as we try to make our way out of the neighborhood because it’s a big maze and we end up back at the house with all the cars parked along the street. (Not in the driveway!)

“They won’t let us out!” Liz cries.

“They’ll never let us leave!” I shriek.

We’re in hysterics.

But you know what? It’s actually not funny. I’m all for women helping women and all of that. I never joined a sorority, but I still have the same friends I had when I was a kid. I’d help them in any way they need and they’d do the same for me. In fact, we’ve totally helped each other over the years in more ways than any of us could name.

And that’s why I wrote this article. These groups are not mathematically sustainable. You know what that means? That’s right. That means somebody gets screwed. It may not be you. It may not even be me. But somewhere down the line, somebody loses $5,000.00.

When you give your $5,000.00, it goes to the person at the dessert level of the table. Gone.

Will you get $40,000.00 down the line in return? That depends. On a lot. The table has to split into another table in order for you to move up to the next level. Then it has to split again for you to move up again. And then again. That’s a lot of people tokeep recruiting for the bottom. When the pyramid or table or whatever you want to call it collapses because there aren’t enough new people to recruit, you won’t be getting your money.

What if the police come in and put a stop to everything? I did some research to back up my suspicions. Yes, gifting tables are illegal. Yes, you could be punished if you participate and are caught.

You might not get caught. You might get your money before the whole thing goes kablooey. But there is a reason no one is allowed to park in the driveway of the house where the gifting ceremony (lowercase g, lowercase c) is being held. The police want to find the house. They want to find it because gifting tables are against the law.

What I’m saying to anyone who reads this is: Do your own research and then decide if you want to join. If you do a lot of reading up on gifting tables and still want to participate, so be it. But don’t do it just because people tell you it’s a good idea and it works.

Ninety percent of the participants don’t get the money. That’s just mathematics. All the best intentions in the world can’t make that math work. Sorry. You can see how the math works with diagrams and everything by going online. Do a search on the words women’s group, gifting, and table and see what you find. Numbers don’t lie. However, people do, even if they don’t mean to lie. They’re your friends and your family and they just want to help you and other women out. Do they know this has a ninety percent failure rate? I bet they don’t.

If you get in on this type of thing at the very beginning, it may work out for you. (That is, if the police don’t intervene.) However, if you come to the table late, friend, you’re going to bed without any dessert.

I won’t be joining any gifting tables, so my only gift to you is this story. It doesn’t come in a fancy Martha Stewart–variety box. It comes straight up and from the heart. The best part? You didn’t have to pony up $5000.00 for it.

On Mother’s Day, there are always plenty of articles espousing the wonders of the women in our lives. But this is not one of those articles. This is for the husbands, boyfriends and partners of those women – who either forget it completely, get a colored carnation or take her to the local diner for her special date night out. This year, consider a beautiful piece of jewelry that will keep you out of the doghouse, and save some money to boot with the special Mother’s Day promotion at BSK design at Chroma Gallery. 

Let me give you a tiny clue: even if she says she doesn’t care about Mother’s Day, she totally does.  And, even if she says she doesn’t expect anything more than a simple peck on the cheek or a reheated breakfast in bed, she totally wants gifts. Nice ones. Like lots of fun jewelry; necklaces, pendants, earrings, bracelets – get the picture? It takes so little to make us Mom’s happy so go to BSK design at Chroma gallery and have fun.

Barbara Shulman-Kirwin, founder of Chroma Gallery created her own line of dichroic glass jewelry, gifts, platters, lamps, and interior décor called BSK Designs. Every year around this time, women start meandering in to take in the gorgeous colors, try on a few fun new items, and daydream about their favorite glass piece in electric blue, hot pink, fiery orange or passion red that they would love to wear. Alas, like most mom’s, they leave with a sigh and focus on the soccer cleats, pot roast or paper towels that are need instead.

This year, Kirwin has created a “Wish List” for moms to stop in and mark down a few pieces they love, just in case. Get the hint – it is a win-win scenario! Ladies: head down to Chroma Gallery before Mother’s Day and shop to your heart’s content.  Take your little gift card, with you and mark down all your favorites. Then all you partners out there can casually saunter by, check out her list, choose any old thing on it, free gift wrap ~ and get a 10% discount for the effort.

“My theme for this Mother’s Day is: Everybody Wins!” exclaims Kirwin. “This year I wanted to make Mother’s Day as fun as possible, for all the parties involved. There is nothing more rewarding than seeing a smile on the face of the one you love.”

Too busy to drive? Check out some gorgeous samples online at: www.bskdesign.net  and order online, or call the Chroma gallery at: 203.453.3111 for more information.